When it comes to long distance relationships I always wonder which one is more true: the cliched absence "makes the heart grow fonder" or the "out of sight, out of mind stance."
For some distance makes you realise how much love a person, but when the distance becomes so regular is it possible to nurture a relationship the way most need to be nurtured? Or is the love enough to make up for months and years of absence?
I wrote that a while ago: my answer now is, if its true enough its worth the wait. Time and space may be important dimensions but who gives a fuck when you got feeling. It fills in for all that falls in between and thats saying a lot.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
Another end
Another end has arrived.. My last night in the only apartment that has entirely been mine. I remember dreading living on my own. I had no idea how I would manage, I didn't know how to cook, clean or anything about handling a house and now eight months later, I can do all of the above plus more and the thought of living with someone is the one that worries me. I guess it's the one place where I could do anything I wanted to do at any time I wanted and also one that sort of reflects all my growth, from material wealth in the form of shoes for instance ;) , to changes in taste like my dvd collection to just my emotional changes and certain memories. And now all that will growth will lose its physical evidence.
I don't know what it is about one ending that makes everything seem like its approaching its expiry date. Perhap, its just me but everything else seems so old and jaded too.
I remember how sad I felt when I had to leave my room in jakarta. I remember acccidentally leaving my charger there and having going to pick it up on my own. I sat there for fifteen minutes, with channel v going on in the background, just the side lamps switched on, and recalled all my memories there. From slyly smoking and dirnking there to sneaking boyfriends in to girly chit chats to all my various night spent up doing work to all my day dreaming. I balled like a child and that was just a room.
Here its an entire apartment and the activities are multiplied by a million. The tears, this time, are internal though. you'd think with all the places I've shifted from I would learn not to get attached but I still do it every single time.
This ever-changing life really knows how to get you down at times.
I don't know what it is about one ending that makes everything seem like its approaching its expiry date. Perhap, its just me but everything else seems so old and jaded too.
I remember how sad I felt when I had to leave my room in jakarta. I remember acccidentally leaving my charger there and having going to pick it up on my own. I sat there for fifteen minutes, with channel v going on in the background, just the side lamps switched on, and recalled all my memories there. From slyly smoking and dirnking there to sneaking boyfriends in to girly chit chats to all my various night spent up doing work to all my day dreaming. I balled like a child and that was just a room.
Here its an entire apartment and the activities are multiplied by a million. The tears, this time, are internal though. you'd think with all the places I've shifted from I would learn not to get attached but I still do it every single time.
This ever-changing life really knows how to get you down at times.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Flexibility
How annoying are whiny people? You know the kind who have 0% tolerance and if they are not treated like a queen or king they autmatically snap into complain mode...
The thing I don't get is that if you complain they get so pissed off, yet when they complain we're just supposed to take it. What's that about? My mom is part of this whino cult. She complains about everything from the maid to me, from her shoes to society, its one non-stop whining fest. Yet when I so much as whinge about something thats upsetting me, she tunes out and/or accuses me of being a whinger.
Today she was on about some guy at her salon not giving her enough attention, her hair being washed too many times, the colour not turning out right, the procedure, the hairdresser's assistant, the chair.. everything. It's amazing how so much can go wrong at a hair salon. Yet her hair turned out nice and she acknowledged it for all of 5 seconds, but even though the goal was accomplished she had a million other issues.
The thing that scares me is that people tell me I am just like her, and I know I am whining right now with all of the above chracteristics but I'm not that whiny and yes, I do realise being defensive is a major trait of the whino clan.
But how much of blogging is whining, coz whever you seem to read anyone's post critcism is in full flow: with movies, music, food, people, life, the world a particular place.
I really wish the world was more flexible at times, I guess it should start with me, so im going to stop complaining right about now.
The thing I don't get is that if you complain they get so pissed off, yet when they complain we're just supposed to take it. What's that about? My mom is part of this whino cult. She complains about everything from the maid to me, from her shoes to society, its one non-stop whining fest. Yet when I so much as whinge about something thats upsetting me, she tunes out and/or accuses me of being a whinger.
Today she was on about some guy at her salon not giving her enough attention, her hair being washed too many times, the colour not turning out right, the procedure, the hairdresser's assistant, the chair.. everything. It's amazing how so much can go wrong at a hair salon. Yet her hair turned out nice and she acknowledged it for all of 5 seconds, but even though the goal was accomplished she had a million other issues.
The thing that scares me is that people tell me I am just like her, and I know I am whining right now with all of the above chracteristics but I'm not that whiny and yes, I do realise being defensive is a major trait of the whino clan.
But how much of blogging is whining, coz whever you seem to read anyone's post critcism is in full flow: with movies, music, food, people, life, the world a particular place.
I really wish the world was more flexible at times, I guess it should start with me, so im going to stop complaining right about now.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Baa Bah The sound of settling..
Death cab for cutie rocks. I know a lot of people have jumped on their wagon since some of their songs have been aired on OC but I prefer the more offbeat songs with simpler lyrics like "The sound of settling."
"Our youth is fleeting
old age is just around the bend
and i can't wait to go grey
and i'll sit and wonder
of every love that could've been
if i'd only thought of something charming to say.
baa bah, this is the sound of settling
baa bah, baa bah"
I wonder how many people really end up settling, what drives you to that point? I still believe in the zsa zsa zsu that chemistry, the undeniable compatability.. less adjusting and more embracing.. but is every relationship that at the first and even in the truest of love do u end up settling at some point?
I would like to belive I haven't settled and I know I have that somehting something, but that was then and this is now, I mean when time goes by doens't every relationship evolve into something like friendship. I had so many expectations when I was younger, but it wasn't till I put them at the back of my mind and embrace the notion of a "less that perfect" man that I ended up with the kind of relationship I wanted. Was that settling? But by settling for someone, I ended up with that something.
And now even though my perfect man might be out there somewhere and I am young enough and have the opportunity at hand to keep myself open to finding him, yet I choose not too. Because I am happy where I am and if I am already happy what does euphoria matter, it boils down to the same thing in the end: satisfaction with who you are with and where you are at. But people still call that settling.
I was talking to a tute mate of mine today. He's 38, back at university, an established writer yet he wants the experience of being an undergrad. With 5 major relationships under his belt – the last one a whooping six years, domestic partnership and all – he claims he's never been dumped. Each relationship ended up with the same emptiness, the zone where both of you go on about your lives and you live like roomates who have sex. The groundbreaking attraction, the feeling of being understood, the connection, etc etc faded into more mundane things. And when he wanted the core shaking, heart thumping romace he fled, jumping onto a next relationship. He claims that is his refusal to settle. But I wonder if its just laziness, doesn't every relationship get stuck in that rut at some time? Since when does romance outweigh stability, security, trust and respect – the products of any fruitful enduring relationship? Do you just abandon the latter four for the zsa zsu? and if you choose stability, trust, etc over it is that settling?
I guess it ultimately boils down to what you prioritise and what you want, setlle for anything else and that is settling. But like death cab chirps so cheerfully "the sound of settling" ain't that bad after all, you can settle and still be miraculously happy. No matter who you are with, their is always the chance there is something better. but when you already got it good, who gives a shit?
"Our youth is fleeting
old age is just around the bend
and i can't wait to go grey
and i'll sit and wonder
of every love that could've been
if i'd only thought of something charming to say.
baa bah, this is the sound of settling
baa bah, baa bah"
I wonder how many people really end up settling, what drives you to that point? I still believe in the zsa zsa zsu that chemistry, the undeniable compatability.. less adjusting and more embracing.. but is every relationship that at the first and even in the truest of love do u end up settling at some point?
I would like to belive I haven't settled and I know I have that somehting something, but that was then and this is now, I mean when time goes by doens't every relationship evolve into something like friendship. I had so many expectations when I was younger, but it wasn't till I put them at the back of my mind and embrace the notion of a "less that perfect" man that I ended up with the kind of relationship I wanted. Was that settling? But by settling for someone, I ended up with that something.
And now even though my perfect man might be out there somewhere and I am young enough and have the opportunity at hand to keep myself open to finding him, yet I choose not too. Because I am happy where I am and if I am already happy what does euphoria matter, it boils down to the same thing in the end: satisfaction with who you are with and where you are at. But people still call that settling.
I was talking to a tute mate of mine today. He's 38, back at university, an established writer yet he wants the experience of being an undergrad. With 5 major relationships under his belt – the last one a whooping six years, domestic partnership and all – he claims he's never been dumped. Each relationship ended up with the same emptiness, the zone where both of you go on about your lives and you live like roomates who have sex. The groundbreaking attraction, the feeling of being understood, the connection, etc etc faded into more mundane things. And when he wanted the core shaking, heart thumping romace he fled, jumping onto a next relationship. He claims that is his refusal to settle. But I wonder if its just laziness, doesn't every relationship get stuck in that rut at some time? Since when does romance outweigh stability, security, trust and respect – the products of any fruitful enduring relationship? Do you just abandon the latter four for the zsa zsu? and if you choose stability, trust, etc over it is that settling?
I guess it ultimately boils down to what you prioritise and what you want, setlle for anything else and that is settling. But like death cab chirps so cheerfully "the sound of settling" ain't that bad after all, you can settle and still be miraculously happy. No matter who you are with, their is always the chance there is something better. but when you already got it good, who gives a shit?
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Changes
People say the only constant thing in life is change and I should know that better than anyone. I've moved from houses, continents, between groups of people and as a person too I am constantly morphing from one identity to the next. This year has been both good and bad.
Shifting to china was such an eye opener. Meeting people with tangible ambition and that drive to succeed in spite or despite of this tumultuous thing called life changed my perspectives. As did coming to Melbourne and living on my own, getting a proper job, studying a subject which requires you to embrace to world. But the ambivalence, the dread still hits me right in the face every time another change is mentioned. It's apprehension I know but I cannot help but fixate myself in my comfort zones time and time again, and when it is time to shift whether geographically or when the end of a certain activity looms near, it drains out all my energy and enthusiasm. In a while, I will embrace the new changes and revel in them and make them my own but till the ball gets rolling the feeling of being lost keeps resurfacing.
Sometimes I feel like I only hang on to him, because he is the antithesis to my ever-changing life. His stability, his predictability, it keeps it constant. Yet when I am loving the changes the world has to offer and the person in the mirror is so much more mature and grounded then the person I was, I wonder if I need a change. It is my choice to hang on but is it because of true love or because of being so stuck in a place that is so comfortable. Comfort is so hard to come by but it stops you from moving on too becoz you get just too freaking lazy to find anything new or even bother with it for that matter. Could I handle another change, especially in the only sector of my life that is grounded?
John Mayer says nah. Here are the lyrics of a very old song of his, but the simple lyrics speak to you in the way only his music can.
Comfortable:
I just remembered that time at the market
Snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rolled down aisle five
You looked behind you to smile back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us if we could leave
I cant remember what went wrong lastSeptemberr
Though I’m sure you’d remind me if you had to
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
I sleep with this new girl I’m still getting used to
My friends all approve,
Say she’s gonna be good for you
They throw me high fives
She says the Bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was so dirty
Life of the party and she swears that sheÂ’s artsy
But you could distinguish miles from coltrane
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
Shes perfect
So flawless
Or so they say
She thinks I cant see the smile that she’s faking
And poses for pictures that arenÂt being taken
I loved you
Grey sweatpants
No makeup
So perfect
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
Shes perfect
So flawless
Im not impressed
I want you back
Can changes be good or bad or are they just inevitable?
Shifting to china was such an eye opener. Meeting people with tangible ambition and that drive to succeed in spite or despite of this tumultuous thing called life changed my perspectives. As did coming to Melbourne and living on my own, getting a proper job, studying a subject which requires you to embrace to world. But the ambivalence, the dread still hits me right in the face every time another change is mentioned. It's apprehension I know but I cannot help but fixate myself in my comfort zones time and time again, and when it is time to shift whether geographically or when the end of a certain activity looms near, it drains out all my energy and enthusiasm. In a while, I will embrace the new changes and revel in them and make them my own but till the ball gets rolling the feeling of being lost keeps resurfacing.
Sometimes I feel like I only hang on to him, because he is the antithesis to my ever-changing life. His stability, his predictability, it keeps it constant. Yet when I am loving the changes the world has to offer and the person in the mirror is so much more mature and grounded then the person I was, I wonder if I need a change. It is my choice to hang on but is it because of true love or because of being so stuck in a place that is so comfortable. Comfort is so hard to come by but it stops you from moving on too becoz you get just too freaking lazy to find anything new or even bother with it for that matter. Could I handle another change, especially in the only sector of my life that is grounded?
John Mayer says nah. Here are the lyrics of a very old song of his, but the simple lyrics speak to you in the way only his music can.
Comfortable:
I just remembered that time at the market
Snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rolled down aisle five
You looked behind you to smile back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us if we could leave
I cant remember what went wrong lastSeptemberr
Though I’m sure you’d remind me if you had to
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
I sleep with this new girl I’m still getting used to
My friends all approve,
Say she’s gonna be good for you
They throw me high fives
She says the Bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was so dirty
Life of the party and she swears that sheÂ’s artsy
But you could distinguish miles from coltrane
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
Shes perfect
So flawless
Or so they say
She thinks I cant see the smile that she’s faking
And poses for pictures that arenÂt being taken
I loved you
Grey sweatpants
No makeup
So perfect
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
Shes perfect
So flawless
Im not impressed
I want you back
Can changes be good or bad or are they just inevitable?
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Another frustrated univeristy student..
Oh well it's a breezy saturday afternoon and I'm encaged in my lil' apt, buried under books and papers that refuse to seep into my thick skull.. argh! I do not understand the insitution of education, why do I need to be bogged down with outlandish theories that shall never be of any use to me? Seriously will some lame 30 year old's opinion about Lara Croft's implicit androgenous identity ever matter... But then again I understand the need to analyse (perhaps, over analyse) the most mundane, trivial things in life but I dun't go around writing academic essays and advocating them with psychoanalytical theories do I? I'm beggining to wonder if this course is for me.. I love the randomness, the triviality of the subjects, the fervour of the tutours but the assignments just don't do it.. I guess none ever will.. But anyways the middle aged geek made a rather compelling point about how virtual reality has advanced to a technological height and cultural status where the voyeuristic gaze between the virtual game and player is so intense it eradicates the players surrounding and lifts them right out of reality.. and in research for this notion, Ive spent the last 5 hours playing simgirls (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/simgame.shtml) Well still playing and its teaching me a whole lot of things that I shall keep for my next post.. some how I think there's alot more I'm going to learn ;)
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Missing you
There's something about Rachel Yamagata on a rainy day, just two things missing: a glass of wine and...
From I'll find a way..
The rain is like an orchestra to me
Little gifts from above meant to say
Girl, you falling at his feet
Isn't lovely or stunning today
Wait with me, wait with me
I'm alive when you're here with me, here with me, stay
And I'll find a way to see you again
And I'll find a way to see you again
From I'll find a way..
The rain is like an orchestra to me
Little gifts from above meant to say
Girl, you falling at his feet
Isn't lovely or stunning today
Wait with me, wait with me
I'm alive when you're here with me, here with me, stay
And I'll find a way to see you again
And I'll find a way to see you again
Introduction
This blog was created a long time ago but abandoned before I ever began posting and that statement basically sums me up. I have bursts of overwhelming positivity, pushing my imagination into overdrive in its concoction of the cause and events chain, the cause being a sporadic optimistic thought and chain of events spanning the next 60 years of my life. I'm hyperbolic like that but only in terms of visualizing for when it comes to action, I do nothing, literally. The centrality of my life is music and the words of others and their confessions, revelations, pondering... I find myself and the truth about life in them, all the while in the comfort of my living room. God forbid, I actually discover life on my own and have to exert myself *ech* I guess I only write when I'm depressed and in the throes of self-deprecation which currently is reaching an all time high. The superficiality and positivity will come, don't worry, the world glorifies my existence for my indefatigable optimism. If they only knew the extent of my delusions and my innate need to distort my reality to the extreme where nothing real gets under my skin, the rays of factuality deflect in my mental paradigm where nothing is left but fantasy. I am fantasy, my world is fantastical and right now, all I crave is reality.. *sigh* more unintelligible ramblings.. Clarity, wherefore art thou?
Addiction
Addiction to any sort of noun. Alcohol, cigarettes, attention, money, the reflexive myself or the possesion of him. The need throbbing in my veins of one or the other and most often all.
Needs and wants, who decides the borderline between the two?
This vague, transparent line at the end of the day, I am certain i get the necessary but the desires are they fulfilled? I need them to be fulfilled for this optimism to survive. Again they coincide, needs and wants. Can someone please enlighten me?
The dawn of light comes in the mostr bizzare of circumstances and disapper in a trice. I long for clarity. I need clarity. Revelation, realization I find myself locked in turmoil without it and addicted to things that render me hollow.
Fulfillemt, I am addicted to the very concept of it. Coherence remains a mystery.
Needs and wants, who decides the borderline between the two?
This vague, transparent line at the end of the day, I am certain i get the necessary but the desires are they fulfilled? I need them to be fulfilled for this optimism to survive. Again they coincide, needs and wants. Can someone please enlighten me?
The dawn of light comes in the mostr bizzare of circumstances and disapper in a trice. I long for clarity. I need clarity. Revelation, realization I find myself locked in turmoil without it and addicted to things that render me hollow.
Fulfillemt, I am addicted to the very concept of it. Coherence remains a mystery.
Time..
Time. Concept or noun, factor or an element, it remains the pivot in this mystery called life. Unravelling the truth behind the fiction, the untangling of the most esoteric dilemmas, I wait patiently for this maestro to deal my cards or rather to deal with me.
Perhaps, these so-called problems are but a figment of my paranoia, a mental disorder that originated from an over-analytical mind. There lies the paradox of my existence: too many seconds at hand and I slowly succumb to a psychological disarray of the highest degree versus the back to back busy as an ant phases where I revel in the emptiness and monotony of a busy schedule, all the time wondering if this is indeed life as we call it.
Scepticism versus idleness, most favour the former but I remain still in doubt. I do not know if I am waiting for disaster to strike on a full-fledged scale which time appears to be inching towards to and thus why begin endeavours that cannot be seen through anyway or wait for it all to blow over. There it is again the most annoying, back stressing, head hurting word in the english language: waiting.
Waiting for what? For things beyond my control to decapitate the happy life I so dearly desire or for happiness to finally arrive? So many questions and all dependent on time.
I shall wait patiently with this incessant fear of what time shall unveil.
Perhaps, these so-called problems are but a figment of my paranoia, a mental disorder that originated from an over-analytical mind. There lies the paradox of my existence: too many seconds at hand and I slowly succumb to a psychological disarray of the highest degree versus the back to back busy as an ant phases where I revel in the emptiness and monotony of a busy schedule, all the time wondering if this is indeed life as we call it.
Scepticism versus idleness, most favour the former but I remain still in doubt. I do not know if I am waiting for disaster to strike on a full-fledged scale which time appears to be inching towards to and thus why begin endeavours that cannot be seen through anyway or wait for it all to blow over. There it is again the most annoying, back stressing, head hurting word in the english language: waiting.
Waiting for what? For things beyond my control to decapitate the happy life I so dearly desire or for happiness to finally arrive? So many questions and all dependent on time.
I shall wait patiently with this incessant fear of what time shall unveil.
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