I am currently reading
Jeffrey Eugenides' Middlesex. The book covers a range of themes - gender being the most obvious as the title suggests. The plot basically revolves around the story of a 'single gene through time', the gene of a hermaphrodite Cal/Callie. As Eugenides switches between the female and male P.O.V. - masterfully at that - he also narrates the saga of a Greek family and as all family sagas go, the book takes on this sort of biblical quality and you probably can relate it to anything under the sun.
A quote that struck me today was about marriage, a definite female stance no doubt:
'Milton came home every night; he didn't drink or womanize but, preoccupied with business worries, he began to leave a little more of himself at the diner each day, so that the man who returned to us seemed less and less present, a kind of robot who carved turkeys and filmed holidays but who wasn't really there a all.'
It seems to me these days that in any long term relationship - marriage, de facto, whatever - more so than accompaniment, relationships lead to alienation. The book talks of a certain relief when you finally decide to spend your life with someone, not because you have someone to share your life with but more so because you finally got one of the big decisions in life out of the way and finally can move on to other things. Cynical maybe, but it is rather true.
A 'deep, profound bond' is rather absent in most postmodern relationships, bar the honeymoon phase. Yes you maybe have someone to talk to about the most mundane things and you never have to eat a meal alone and all that, but a lot of the talks are two way monologues and actions are temporary come-together as you still pursue very different paths in life. And that's the catch - not many people are willing to give up their personal aspirations and when these take prominence over the people in your life, how is a 'deep, profound bond' ever to be formed?
I never really understood how people took years to get out of a bad relationship or marriage but I think it's finally hitting me. Because in a long term relationship, although you feel completely alienated on the inside its still hard to adjust to the tangible loneliness of everyday singledom - so we revel in the relief of finding someone, knowing our beds won't be lonely at night even if it doesn't cure lonely hearts. Thats the definition of 'presence' these days - literal without any metaphysical aspect to it.
Whats worse - we're so used to it that asking anything more from our relationships is asking too much. Our husbands/boyfriends/life partners don't cheat, don't hit, are not complete scumbags - so thats good enough. Perhaps, I shouldn't generalize and say we/our, I suppose I/mine is more appropriate.
